I have seen some pretty bizarre things over the years, but nothing beats what I saw last week–a duck racing a heron. And not in the air, no, that would be far too predictable–no people, these two jokers were racing each other on the ground!

I stepped back from the window, worried that I might ruin the racing-line of one of them by glaring too much at their little beady eyes. To begin with the heron looked like he had the race won—bigger legs and more power, obviously—and then the duck came out of nowhere and stole it at the very last second (unexpected but thrilling). The heron showed his / her utter frustration with a noise that sounded a bit like the noise women in stilettos make when they fall over and break a heel off when drunk. In other words it (the animal) was miffed, and rightly so. He (or she) had let down the species considerably, and I had a strong feeling that the ducks would never let them hear the end of it…

I should mention that I was half-way through a bottle of red wine when I saw this. And I did see it. But I have a feeling that the wine made it much more exciting than it actually was.

So that’s one good reason to always keep a bottle of wine near the window I think. Just make sure the room you are in is not too high off the ground. And by the way, there’s no connection between living near fields and drinking wine. Or women in stilettos and poultry for that matter.

Important news, the ski holidays bookings for our long weekend trip have been looked after. Next monday is the cut off for the downpayment, please get it to me as soon as you can get it together, I will be vrey upset if you don’t!

I know this because I am one—a stereotypically beautiful person, that is—and it almost killed me perusing this site. So consider me a national or world-hero. I have gone there and reviewed it so you don’t have to–unless you are not a stereotypically beautiful person, in which case you should be fine.

I don’t know what it is, but one look at this car-crash of a web-site just wasn’t enough to satisfy my morbidly morbid curiosity. I think I went back a second and a third time because I needed to make sure I really did see faces that ugly. It reminds me of watching Nightmare On Elm Street again: needing to see a second time to make sure I could see the prosthetics and fake blood–

Sadly, though, there is no fake anything to be found at Uglyfugly.com. All the people on here are, as far as my ugly-dar can tell, 100% real organic ugliness. And it’s not only just conventionally ugly people either, no, because that wouldn’t be enough, would it? No, on here you’ll find reinventions of Uglyness, mutilations that make Freddy Krueger look like Brad Pitt, and people so unconventionally ugly that after a while they become actually quite beautiful!

Finally, I need to relish in a new purchase. I have just bought the nicest newton running shoes that I have ever owned. Toronto Marathon, here I come!

Starting with outer beauty, it is important that you mind your appearance. Be sure to wear clothes that fit your body. Wearing a dress that is too tight is not sexy. In fact, most guys will think you are trashy. You do not have to dress up all the time, but skip the jeans and t-shirt when you are out on the prowl for a guy.

Style your hair and do not overdue the makeup. You want to accentuate your looks not make yourself look like a clown. Stick with soft colors and minimize the eye shadow.

It is important that you show you are confident in yourself. Men can appreciate a woman who is confident and can hold her own. Just as important as being confident, so is being independent. The days when women would stay home with the children and the men went out to work are over. Both men and women share jobs equally. Show that you are comfortable in your career, living by yourself and are completely content with staying this way. Most men will respect a woman who is comfortable in her own shoes.

Do not come across as a desperate woman. If anything is a turnoff, it would be this. Women who come across as clingy or needy actually push away men. It is simply not attractive to call a guy’s voicemail 10 times a day or cancel her plans on a daily basis to be with him. A guy likes a girl who can enjoy her own life and fit him into it rather than the other way around.

Get out there and flirt a little. Make eye contact, twirl your hair locks and most importantly, smile. There is nothing more inviting than a big smile. You can even go so far as to give him a flirty wink. Let the guys out there know that you are fun, open and inviting. This alone will have a handful of guys at your side fighting to buy you a drink.

Exciting update everyone, Libby just got a position with a dragons den company that sells this lumbar pillow that apparently does wonders for your back, I expect freebies!

It infuriates me! What has this apparently shallow person done to remain permanently in the limelight. Several years ago she found fame by exposing her ever increasing breasts and that should have been it. She should have faded into the memory to be talked about years hence when the men who ogled her are middle aged, sitting around a table saying "Do you remember….". Unfortunately I fear that years from now she will still be there, on the news, celebrating her ninth marriage or something like that.

So the news this week is that Katie has married again, just a month or so after dumping her new husband live on air after she walked out of the jungle. And this begs another question - "What is he thinking???". Of course they have married because they are in love.

Well I put it to them that they don’t know the meaning of the word! It may be that there is an attraction and by all means that should be explored, in private, but it does not mean that they need to walk down th aisle. Give it some time, see how you get on, not over a few months but at their age over a couple of years and then, perhaps, make it formal.

So by writing this what have I achieved? Well sadly it’s more fame for Jordan isn’t it. Just the fact that a seemingly intelligent middle aged man has bothered to spend some of his valuable time in writing about such a trivial piece of "news" has given fuel to the ever demanding desire for this, in my opinion, quite worthless person’s fame!

Come on news editors - cut it out, stop highlighting these people, (she’s not the only one you pander to) and bring us some information about the trurly worthy!

Listen up all of you, I have important news about the val disere chalet bookings for our New Years trip. Saturday is the last chance for the overall cost, please get it to me as soon as you can.

We girls are made of tough stuff, you see, and a bit, or a hell of a lot to be fair, of snow isn’t going to stop us going about our normal business. I mean, the January sales are still on - and a few tonnes of freezing snow aren’t going to keep me from Monsoon with 25% off!

Men don’t understand preparation - I think that’s what it comes down to. Before I go out I put about twenty layers on, at least two pairs of gloves and make sure the car is stocked up with at least ten bars of chocolate and a flask of something warm and sweet. The roads have been shocking but drive slowly and sensibly and you will get there, that’s my proven advice!

The guys on the other hand seems to see the icy conditions as some sort of rallying challenge. I saw two cars crash straight into the same wall within ten minutes of each other and both had been speeding along as if they were on a motorway on a bright Summer day. And as they climber out of the car both of them were effing and jeffing about the council and how they didn’t grit anymore - they had enough grit between their ears if you ask me!

And guys, stop thinking that you are an extra in Scott of The Antarctic when you step outside. My friend Katie tells me how her guy has taken to saying "I’m going out - I may be sometime" every time that he walks out of the door. He comes home two hours later with the smell of alcohol on his breath.

Oh and one last thing, have you noticed that snow men have started springing up on our streets? Well here is how to tell if they were made by a guy or a woman. A woman’s snowman is lovingly crafted, traditional, maybe it has a nice scarf around it’s neck (I made one last week and tied that yellow scarf that my ex bought me around the neck - it suited the snowman more than it did me). Men’s snowmen (or should I say snowpeople) come in two forms - either they are ’amusing’ snow women with outsize boobs or they have an extra carrot added in a very inappropriate position. And don’t get me started on the snow balls!

My chocolate drink is calling me! Here is the Lou tip on winter survival: Keep warm, keep safe and keep letting the man in your life know that his sole job is to give you warm hugs whenever you need one! And if all else fails, get that man to take you to some ski resorts to last out the snowy weather!

Over the past few weeks it’s been freezing and I’ve got through masses of extra food. Well, that’s my excuse for being a pig anyway!

Seriously though, a lot of us do tend to eat far more when it’s cold. I wonder why that is? Maybe it’s because we all have a subconscious fear that suppliers won’t be able to keep the shops stocked with food. Or perhaps it is some instinctual thing where we automatically eat more so that we gain extra weight to keep us warm.

Weird, isn’t it? But I’m not the only one to experience it. Loads of people have said the same thing to me over the years. It seems that there are an awful lot of us that start troughing when it gets a bit chilly!

But it makes you wonder why the Eskimo people aren’t affected… All of the Inuit’s that I have seen are perfectly healthy looking people. Surely, if this cold/extra food theory is correct they should all be built like houses. Strange. Maybe, because they have built up a tolerance for the extreme conditions they are no longer affected by a need for larger amounts of grub. Or perhaps it is a simple matter of all of us in the West being weak in the elements and greedy in the supermarkets…

I’m just trying to remember what my eating habits are like in the summer. It seems so long ago since it was warm that I’m having a job remembering. But, from what I can recall, I do eat less when it is hot.

So, there we go. If we all want to lose weight then forget Smartlipo, and just carry on polluting! A hotter planet means that we will all eat less!

Who says I can’t come up with a useful idea now and then?

When I heard about the imminent release of ‘Turrican II’ I was on the verge of exploding with excitement. I had to wait quite a few weeks until it hit the shops and I would spend ages drooling over any screenshots! When I finally did get hold of a copy, I could not believe how good it was. Everything about the first game had been amazing, but with the sequel the programmers had totally excelled themselves.

The graphics were far better and, at the time, they were truly ‘state of the art’. It was a gigantic game and everything about it was absolutely stunning. But one of the best things about it was the music… If you could have bought it on CD then I’d have been down to the record shop in an instant!

‘Turrican II’ is still one of the greatest games I have ever seen. The controls were so incredibly simple to use and it was an absolute joy to play. I could sit and spend the entire afternoon blasting my way through the levels and I very often did.

I think that one of the proudest moments of my life (as sad as this may sound), was when I achieved a massive score and got my name in print. At the time, ‘Zzap 64’ was the biggest selling magazine for the Commodore. In each month’s issue they would have a ‘High Scoring Heroes’ page and I came first on ‘Turrican II’! What a magical moment!

And I still have that same page stored away!

Last thing before I go I actually need to let you guys know about the extraordinary art exhibit that I saw in Bristol this past weekend, it was basically a room with loads of shutters in it. Very Strange!

I met my husband over 7 years ago in the office I was working in at the time. We started out as friends and remained that way for about 2 years before we took it to the next step and began dating. We dated for another 2 years and then got married. In my case, office dating never disrupted my work or interfered in any way. In fact, it inspired me to get up every morning and go to work! And who knows you may be lucky and find your own Dr Chase, but you never know if you don’t try!

There are some gorgeous soaps out there but why not try making your own? They would also make lovely Christmas presents.

Speaking of Christmas, in case you are wondering what to buy me (that means you Mervyn) I have been looking at that dvd set for Twin Peaks, just in case you couldn’t think of anything…

]]> http://www.loppylou.co.uk/2009/12/02/in-all-of-a-lather/feed/ http://www.loppylou.co.uk/2009/11/12/cat-alogue-of-info/ http://www.loppylou.co.uk/2009/11/12/cat-alogue-of-info/#comments Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:11:02 +0000 admin http://www.loppylou.co.uk/?p=844 This ‘Furry Friends’ blog is a brilliant place to find tips for looking after your pet. It looks as if it is updated quite regularly and there are several really interesting posts to have a look at. Some of them are funny and others give you some very good bits of advice.

The ‘Dressing up Your Cat – Thundercats HQ’ post makes amusing reading… It is a shame that cats are so independent and that they don’t like having clothes put on them. I can think of all sorts of really cool costumes that I would just love to dress my cat in!